For the Birds...

Well, I have a problem and I don’t know what to do. This problem is devastating my world. I don’t think going to a doctor or seeing a shrink will do anything for me. This problem has been an issue probably from about the start of the summer. It has taken me this long to decide to ask for help.

Well the problem is…….you guessed it…..BIRDS!!!!!

I currently have two turtle doves that have decided to move into my garage. At first I thought, they are cute little birds, but since then they have only driven me to the brink. Sure, the cooing isn’t to bad and they are very nice looking birds, but how do the poop so much? I swear these two little birds apparently store their poop all day long and then dump it on my car. It doesn’t matter where I park, in the garage, in the street, in the driveway. These damn doves seek out my car before defecating. Since the start of the summer, I believe I have spent more money on car washes then I have gotten paid for the year. Not only is it a ton of poop, it is a dark green or black mess. I don’t know what the hell these doves are eating but it is a vial substance when they deposit it on my car. There is so much poop on my car, that when I pass the truck weigh stations, I have to pull off due to the weight of my car.

I don’t know what I can do to stop these birds. How do I get rid of them? I really don’t want to kill them, I just want them to go poop on someone else’s car for a while. Hell even if I could go a week without the greenish-black mess on windows, doors, hood, trunk, whatever…That would be a delightful change. I have tried everything from the fake owl you buy at Wal-Mart to those “as seen on TV” pest removers. NOTHING WORKS!!! When I was a kid, I had a BB gun that I used to scare of birds and cats and grasshoppers and anything else I could shoot at. I even scared off a few of my neighbors’ windows with my great talents.
I remember on time, I was attempting to perfect my marksmanship while shooting a box elder bug off of a wall. Well, I took aim, slowly squeezed the trigger, and pop I shot the wall and the BB bounced off any hit me right below my left eye. All I could think of was of the movie A Christmas Story which had I had see not to many months before. I didn’t know what to do because, the BB gun I had, wasn’t actually mine……..It belonged to Kelly, my older brothers’ friend. He had kept in an old truck sell on that was in his yard because I don’t think he was suppose to have it either. Luckily, I wasn’t blind and I was able to get that BB gun back from where I borrowed it. I was able to “borrow” that bb gun for many year to come, hell I might as well have owned that thing. I know I got more use out of it then Kelly did. I don’t know if my parents ever figured out my secret, but the boxes of BB’s I kept in my drawer might have been a clue.

Anyways, back to my problem, the birds……I wonder if that old truck shell is in Kelly’s yard?????